I am an idiot because...

I cry so easily, even when it is evidently not important, and it makes me like an idiotic child.

I try to do things to make people happy, when in the end it doesn't seem to matter anyway. Apparently, it's useless to be a people pleaser. Mental note: think about what you do.

I repress emotions and try to never let people see, when sometimes it might be important for them to know (but usually doesn't seem to be). Screw this non-confrontational shit.

I don't realize how loud my voice is and at times blurt out sensitive information for everyone to hear. Bad mouth, bad bad mouth.

Fix me, please, anyone?
Apparently it's not possible to fix myself.
haha.

gila ya, 1000 karakter ga cukup bwt ngeluarin smw unek2.

belief.

So i was reading this thread about whether to love the woman you marry, or marry the woman you love, and someone said this:

"kalo cewe sih bisa belajar mencintai seseorang, kalo cowo ga bisa"

dude. you really think the heart is such a simple thing? you can't force yourself to love someone, be you guy or girl.

emangnya bisa ya, belajar mencintai seseorang, kya mikir "gw akan cinta ma lelaki ini" dan lama kelamaan muncul beneran cinta ma tu orang. it just feels wrong. love should not be forced, or induced.. it feels fake.

i don't believe in the saying that "jodoh ga ke mana" . how are you supposed to know that the person you're with is THE one, and not just the person you happen to be loving? what if we were already with someone, and our TRUE mate comes along and sees us taken, and you end up not meeting? it's not logical that an ultimate mate should exist AND that you'd definitely meet them AND that you'd know it was your ultimate mate and you'd live happily ever after.

come to that, people are always saying that this is the best way for you, that the path you're on has been chosen for you, blah blah blah, when there are obviously other paths that you could have taken and had equally exciting prospects. how do you "this" is the best path?

the key, i believe, is belief.

if we keep thinking about the other things that might happen, the other paths you could've taken, the other people you could've met and become your mate, you ultimately don't see what's on front of you. instead, you dwell on the "what-ifs", and you don't believe that what you have is the best for you, and you don't see all the good things coming your way from your choices, and you don't make the best of what you have, and you end up wretched and better, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE.

an "emotional" rant.

goodbyes suck.

I think that the reason why goodbyes shake me up so much is that I'm so used to this big family, and there's this sort of sense of completeness to it. You know? Like "saling melengkapi" or something. We're all parts of a greater whole. So once a part leaves, there's a hole in the whole (ha! horrible pun) and it disrupts the "completeness" perception. You have to make a whole new concept of the "whole". Merombak pre-existing notions. Not to mention how you won't see them any more, how you have to find a new equilibrium, yada yada. The emotions are too high for my usual poker face.

I usually think that I'm emotionally detached from things, until something big comes along and whacks me over the head.

Well, it's been ages since the last post. Let's start with some REAL posting. shall we?

1. The start of new classes. not important. blech.

2. Independence day - the real day, not the movie.
Two days ago, Indonesia celebrated its 64th birthday. Along with zeneth's note on facebook, it reminded me of how people see Indonesia, especially its own people. It seems to me that Indonesians tend to think of their own country as inferior, ans not really comparable with other countries, when in reality we have so many things to be proud of - despite the corruption, poverty, and education.

We have this incredible wealth of cultures, different in each island, with distinct dialects and traditions. We got batik, and reog ponorogo, and so many dances and clothing and musical instruments... The very fact that they came to be, and still exist today, is something to be proud of. Not many countries can boast such diversity.

And its natural beauty! So many islands, and mountains, even grasslands and swamps. You can find anything here. Dig into the ground and you'll find copper, oil, gold, iron, limestone, you name it! We have bananas, mangoes, durian, kelapa sawit, starfruits, blewah, guavas, blah blah blah... and we got kopi luwak, one of the most prized coffees in the world.

We're incredibly rich, people!

And yet, we're so eager to live in foreign countries. We don't hesitate to leave all these riches and become one of those countries we deem to be advanced, and developed, and so somehow better than our own country.

We can't deny that Indonesia is rife with many problems, corruption for one, and tedious bureaucracy, and terrorism. It doesn't mean we should be ashamed of Indonesia; rather, we ought to go after the people who dared to do such things, and strive to fix these problems. Not run away from them.

Merdeka!

geje.

yak, dan mulailah kuliah di teknik lingkungan inii,,
dan gw baru ngerasain klo kul ga ada dosen tu ga enak,,
rasanya kya ketinggalan aj,, mana ni masi minggu pertama lg,, kn jd gimana gt,,

contohnya lg hari ni.
kesehatan lingkungan alias kesling, ga ada.
jadi dari jm 1 - 3 gw ngeGJ di sini, ga ada kerjaan, nunggu ngumpul TL nanti.
halahh. klo ga ada kumpul gw balik aj deh.
mana bis tu ada foto taplok lg, jam 6.30.
sore ini gw mw ngabuburit gmana???
males bgd deh klo uda ngeGJ gini.
haah. *sigh*

gaaah.
gw benci GJ. x(


makin lama posting gw makin ga berkualitas ya.
kapan2 klo gw lg niat gw tulis yg bener deh.
hhaha.

...

the pain is killing me.
it feels like there's this invisible hand gripping my heart so tight, i can't breathe.
my eyes are dry, though i flooded them last night, they do no good for me.

i don't know what to do.
wait.
wait.
while the grip on my heart gets stronger
while each breath becomes shallower
while every second that goes by drags me farther into the gaping abyss i created
and i can only wait
wait
wait
hoping for just a sliver of hope
but preparing for the worst
trying to cut off my emotions
before they take over me
and render me helpless


and the worst is, it's all my fault.
there is no one to blame but myself.


tralala,,
karina patria soedjatmiko adalah orang tertolol sedunia,,